Labels and Boxes

Today I am pondering labels and boxes. Sometimes they are constraining. If someone applies a label to another person, it might inhibit the person. Conversely, the person might become a better version of themselves if they are viewed a certain way by others. Sometimes, as we know, labels are insulting and applied to put down a person or a group of people by giving a certain context to a label. I have been thinking of the way others perceive me and the way they label me according to their perception.
Sometimes, at this point in my life, the “mother” label is something I don’t always feel able to live up to. Let me explain: my children perceive me as their mother and expect me to act in a certain way. I am divorced from their dad and I am seeing another person. For some of my children, this does not go along with the perception in their minds, I guess. It is difficult to be my own person when I am trying to be the person they want me to be. That is not to say I don’t love my kids with all my heart, but they are all grown and I need to be me and be able to have relationships with others. I need the freedom to be who I am, without disappointing others. That is a gift, you know, giving someone the ability to be who they are and accepting them that way. I am working on my ability to give this gift to others without preconceived notions of who or what they should be. I don’t want my needs and perceptions to keep others from being who they actually are, nor do I want that for myself.
A couple of weeks ago I was called a hypocrite by the friend of a friend. It centered around a Facebook post which I put on my own Facebook page. She commented on my post and told me it had to stop. I politely told her that I wouldn’t stop posting what I believe on my own Facebook page and that she should feel free to unfriend me. She then said that I am “all peace and love but I spread hate.” That’s when she called me a hypocrite. Because she perceived me in a certain way, she thought she could bully me and insult me and then I would see her light and, what? I am not sure what she wanted but I am really too old to be chastised for my beliefs, especially by someone I hardly know. I had a “how dare you?” moment.
This all brings to mind a book my children had when they were younger. It was one of those books that you could purchase each week from the grocery store. There was a Raggedy Ann and Andy set, and this book was about Grouchy Bear. One day, the little girl who owned Raggedy Ann, Andy, and the other toys, came into the nursery and, just as she walked in, a stuffed panda bear sat up and bumped his head. When she saw him, he had a scowl on his face so she dubbed him “Grouchy Bear.” This was a name he felt he had to live up to so he always tried to be grumpy whether or not he actually felt that way. He was letting how another person perceived him dictate how he responded.
As a teacher, I certainly get ideas in my head as to who students are. I always try not to listen to any tales from previous teachers, although some students’ reputations precede them in such a flourish that it is difficult not to anticipate. I try to start each day with a fresh mindset to enable students to be whoever they are that day, no matter who they were yesterday. I know they are human children and, as such, they have both good and bad days, as do I. I try not to have whatever my current mood or situation is affect them. I try to be a constant in a possible world of chaos since I often don’t know what is going on in the life of my students and what may affect them daily.
I do, also, understand that we need to categorize in our minds and we also need some context for people and how we expect them to behave. I am going to try harder, however, to refrain from putting people into very small boxes where my mind has trouble allowing them to be themselves, even the woman who thought it was okay to insult me publicly on my own Facebook wall. My friend suggested she might have been having a bad day. True. She didn’t have to inflict it upon me, however. She also could have private messaged me to express her disdain rather than flog me publicly. Do I know what her motivation was? No. As my friend suggested, maybe something else was going on with her and, when she saw the post, she just couldn’t help herself from commenting. I get it all. One other time, she disagreed with something I posted and just said, “Really?” I responded, “Really.” And she said she thought we should agree to disagree. That was our deal. When someone I know posts something I don’t agree with or which annoys my sensibilities in some way, I just hide the post. I don’t comment. I may roll my eyes when I see it and, perhaps, mutter something under my breath, but they can surely post what they believe just as I can post my truth.
One more thought: visual labels. Sometimes, I think we see someone and, in our minds, make a judgment about that person. I sometimes worry about age discrimination. I say that sort of tongue in cheek. I sometimes think my students expect me to be a certain way since, as I tell them, “I am nine million years old.” That goes for demeanor, what they think they can get away with, my computer savvy or their perception that I am not computer savvy (in truth, I can mostly hold my own, but I know some very tech savvy people -one of which I gave birth to – who can help me to accomplish my tech goals), the life they think I have, etc.
One last thought: jobs. I think we might also label people by the jobs they have. I remember when I was in college and working part-time at an A&P deli. I didn’t want people to think this was my real job. To me, it was a means to an end. I have since realized that people may have many jobs, or more than one job, or be in a situation where they just need to pay bills and I should refrain from making any assumptions (or judgments, for that matter). Older me realizes work is work. Younger me was more sensitive to what others thought of me. I recently saw a quote on Facebook from a former student and published poet, Damian Rucci. Herewith: “I’ve met more poets working overnight jobs than in any poetry workshop I’ve been to. Don’t judge a soul by the clothes it wears.” How profound and what a delightful way to express that thought.
Labels, I think, help us to bring order to our minds but they can be restrictive if we give them too much credence. Maybe the key is to view them more as human credentials which we can add to or subtract from, at any given time.