Explaining

I spend too much time explaining.  Let me explain, lol. I am of the generation where I find myself making excuses and/or explaining myself to people who will never understand.  I guess if I were to make a resolution, being myself – unapologetically – would be a really good one. Speaking of resolutions (which reminds me of New Year’s), the fact that I hate New Year’s Eve is something I have explained and/or apologized for in my life. I am constantly commenting, if not explaining and/or apologizing for things.  

There are things I need to make peace with, I guess, so I can stop my constant internal (and sometimes external) comments.  My weight is a prime example. I was a fat kid, no ifs, ands, or buts. At this point in time, I have been thinner for a number of years.  I have put on some pounds recently and that haunts my thoughts, although I am unwilling as yet to commit to the gym enough days of the week to change it. I guess I don’t want people thinking I don’t know I have put on weight.  The fact that I think any of this matters to anyone but me stems from that childhood insecurity bred from being overweight. I yearn to be like Popeye who says, “I yam what I yam!”

After a number of years, my mother was able to understand my thought process in some instances.  I find myself explaining how I tackle tasks. In my mind, without consciously doing it, I assign tasks a priority.  Generally, it is a chronological mindset. My mother learned, after awhile, to say, “I know you can’t address that yet.”  I used that term to let her know that I was compartmentalizing and would address the next task when I was done with whatever I was currently working on.  Some people come to me with their priorities and want me to internalize their calendar. I am usually unable or unwilling to do that unless I can see the sense in any of it.  Of course, were it a work task assigned to me, I would surely work on an administrator’s schedule but, in my private life, that is generally not happening. I have learned some things about myself and how I operate.  I guess when people attempt to make me adhere to an arbitrary due date they have decided upon I generally will balk. I may be old enough now where I am not the agreeable team player I used to be.

I also have no interest in attending social events others think I should.  I have had people argue with me about my assessment that I am an introvert, citing my ability to “perform” in social settings.  I can be sociable, but I tend not to be interested in any of it. I guess I “should” be concerned about my lack of desire to be out and about, but I think of it as returning to who I really am.  I recently read an article which said that people tend to be more socially oriented in their 20s and 30s when they are dating and finding a mate. Been there, done that. Now, I have no interest in making small talk with strangers or people with whom I share no commonalities.  This hearkens back to my previous blog called “Vibes.” In my older years, I find myself returning to my younger self, the one who spent hours living in a world inhabited by Nancy Drew. I spent hours by myself, just reading and writing and watching a little television. I have spent years working and raising my kids and now, as retirement appears on the not-too-distant horizon, I find myself returning to the world of books and writing that I embraced all those years ago.  In fact, at the Goodwill Store, I recently purchased a Nancy Drew book to re-read.

I am inching toward being truly myself and I will surely work on my compulsion to explain myself to others.  My priorities are shifting as I grow older and the me that spent three hours a day, six days a week at the gym is gone.  I must make peace with that. I must make peace with not being a size four. I must make peace with who I am. When I am truly at peace, I feel sure the explaining will cease.  Here’s hoping.