Years ago, I wrote a letter to the editor and sent it to a local paper. It was urging townspeople to vote for the school budget. I worked part-time in the school then and my kids attended it. I wanted the best for them and wholeheartedly supported the board’s work. I clearly remember, all these years later, the board secretary/business administrator asking me to send the letter to another, larger local paper because, he said, “people listen to you.” I remember, in my mind, being doubtful – maybe even incredulous – that people would actually find credence in my voice.
Years later, here I am, writing still. And asking to be heard.
Credibility. I have been thinking about it lately. Notwithstanding the President who lacks any kind of credibility, I have been pondering why is it is so important to me. In fact, without it, what do we have? Here’s what you need to know about me and credibility: it is of the utmost importance to me in people I know, books I read, things I do. As an English teacher, ethos is an important part of argument. As a rhetorical appeal, ethos is used as a means of convincing an audience via authority or credibility. Someone may think they know all there is to know about teaching high school seniors since, after all, they were a high school senior years and years ago. When I tell you that teaching a group of seniors in an honors class during the first semester of senior year and teaching a regular ed class of seniors the second semester of senior year is quite different, you may disagree. I know there are different levels of commitment to academics due to time of year and due to future plans. A senior in an honors class in the fall and winter is motivated by a number of things. For one, many are intrinsically motivated to do well. In addition, they are still applying to colleges and want to keep their GPA at a certain level. Also, they are thinking toward their future in college and know that some of the things they are learning may help them in their future. In a regular ed English class the motivation is often different for some of the students. Some are motivated by the same things motivating the honors students. Some are not college bound and question why they need to know certain things and they also sometimes know their GPA is not of importance to their future endeavors. If we shift to the spring semester, the difference is magnified. Even the honors kids may be less motivated because they have already committed to their colleges. The regular ed kids may just want to get their diplomas and go. In my mind, I am a credible source of information because, after all, I have been teaching for 14 years and many of those years I have taught seniors.
Many of you know I grew up in a small town and I have lived most of my adult life in another small town. I have been involved in PTA, Mother’s Club, coffee klatches for stay-at-home moms, etc. My kids have gone to the schools, played sports, attended recreation programs. I have attended Board of Education meetings. I have observed people in power in organizations such as Pop Warner. Unless I was paying no attention whatsoever, I obviously learned a thing or two about small towns and the people who inhabit them. There are, in fact, many hard working, dedicated townspeople who make things happen. They coach sports, they help decorate the town Christmas tree, they serve on the library board, they are members of town council and board of education. For some, it is an altruistic need to give back to the community or a need to have some input into what happens in the town. Sometimes, the power is too much and they do not realize they are big fish in a small pond. They do things to mess with people’s lives while serving their own agendas or they are just know-it-alls who are not pleasant to be around. It doesn’t happen often, but you can see the genesis of it all. The point is, if you live in a small town, you are not surprised by a “that’s the way we’ve always done it” mentality and you can spot who is involved merely for their own sense of doing what they think is right over those who crave the spotlight and to whom accolades are the be-all-end-all. If you have not grown up in or lived in a small town for any period of time, you might need a bit of time to acclimate. Or you could listen to me. I have lots of “small town” experience.
I have been unmarried for a number of years now. There have been people who think the fact I got divorced is an indication as to my judgment in men. Maybe it is. Maybe I have just decided that I am unwilling to spend more of whatever time I have left in relationships that don’t work for one reason or another. In the past, I have had friends suggest online dating as a way to meet men. One person who suggested it met her current boyfriend online and she recommended one site above others. She is credible to me. She has recent experience with the online dating phenomenon and could tell me why she liked one site and not another. Other friends have been married for varying amounts of years and suggested online dating. In truth, I was never comfortable with that whole scenario but these friends thought that was definitely the way to go. After awhile, I stopped protesting because they were sure that was the right thing despite the fact that they had no experience with online dating, which was not even a thing when they were not married. To me, dating experience which is, to use a pun, dated, removes credibility from what someone tells me. And for people to insist that online dating is the way to go when they are not the ones doing it should probably try some empathy. Would it be the right thing for them? If not, don’t try to insist upon it for me.
My point with these examples is that certain experiences give people certain types of credibility. If you tell me you are a “math person” yet I can do percentages in my head and you cannot, I will be skeptical because I am definitely NOT a math person and I can do percentages in my head like nobody’s business. You may need to “prove” your math capabilities to me over time. That is not to say that a person needs to know everything about a subject, however. I teach English but heavens knows I don’t know nearly enough. I guess we should allow people modicums of credibility, if you will. Just because you are touted as a fantastic cook doesn’t mean my chili is not good. Just because you have written for more years than I doesn’t mean I don’t have something valid to say. If you disregard my knowledge without considering why I might know this, I am not going to protest. I am usually past the point where I will defend what I say. Sorry, men, but sometimes you think you know things because you are men. Be cognizant of the fact that you are experiencing male privilege. I fell for that years ago when someone I knew used to speak in an authoritative voice and, therefore, expected to be believed whether he actually knew anything about the subject or not. Male or female, if you make assumptions as to my knowledge or lack thereof I may explain once or twice. After that, you will usually experience radio silence on the matter. I am too old, I guess, to be defending my credibility. There are those, I imagine, who think they have convinced me they are right or who think I have reconsidered, but my silence is generally when I have determined that the subject, the person, the relationship, or whatever, is not worth fighting for. We are then in dangerous waters. I have surrendered but not how you think. I have determined that it is not worth my energy because you will never understand.
I guess part of my quest for credibility is to be credible to myself. I have determined that I am an introvert. “Not so,” say many people. They tell me I am outgoing in groups. Yes, true, I can be outgoing for a bit but then my social battery wanes and I just want to retreat. I can almost feel the color draining from my face and the energy draining from my soul. Moreover, I used to be fat and that has clouded my self-image. “Ridiculous!” say some. “You are not fat now.” Uh, yeah, I get that. But I spent my formative years being disparaged by my brothers and made fun of by others. Plus, there were mirrors in my home. If I am especially self-critical now, and if my self-esteem is wrapped up in my weight and my level of fitness (or lack thereof), what you tell me does not matter. I have had years of living in this body. If you have had the same issue with self-image and tell me how you solved it for yourself, I will certainly listen and know that you are speaking from your experience, but that doesn’t always translate to my life.
Even as a parent, I did not feel comfortable with saying, “because I said so.” Granted, sometimes that had to be the answer. A small child wants to run in the street and cannot gauge the danger therefore not being allowed to play where the road is easily accessed had to be a hard and fast rule. I could again say it is dangerous, but we know the child doesn’t get it so it just has to be the rule. That made me a credible parent, however, because I was protecting my child. You can see, therefore, that I do not expect credibility that is unfounded. I do hope you will merely stop and think a bit before believing or discounting what someone tells you. At the very least, it would be nice for you to ponder it. Sometimes, credibility comes from who the person is. You have a good idea what their morals and ethics are, so you can gauge whether or not something they say or do falls within those parameters. Once you determine that what a person says or does is generally not credible, you can guard against it. But I caution you against making a determination based on limited knowledge because once I feel as if you are questioning my credibility or actually saying you either A) don’t believe me or B) are going to discount what I say or take action despite what I say, you may lose credibility with me. How can I actually believe you accept me and value my opinion if you ask for my opinion but it is really only lip service so you can say you did?
And, finally, I need to touch upon “mansplaining.” Yeesh. How is this really a thing? Why in the world do you think I need you to explain simple things to me? I am not young. I am not uneducated. I read. I can carry on a conversation. My hair is not actually blonde. Lol. When you think I don’t understand you may actually not understand my question because I am already multiple steps ahead of you in my mind. Please do us both a favor and leave the mansplaining at the door. Rolling my eyes so much gives me a headache. Let’s not even mention how insulting it is to be thought to be ignorant just by dint of my sex. I am reminded of the movie Desk Set with Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn. Richard Sumner, played by Tracy, had previously made the mistake of underestimating Bunny, played by Katherine Hepburn. When someone else begins to make the mistake of underestimating her knowledge, Tracy says, “Careful, you’re playing in the big leagues.” Exactly. Underestimate my intelligence or credibility at your own risk. When you are speaking to me as if you are drawing a diagram in crayon so someone of limited intellect can understand what you’re saying, know that I am already not listening to you.