Musing on Gaslighting

We presumably all know what gaslighting is. Older people or movie aficionados might remember an Ingrid Bergman movie which I clearly remember my mom referencing. Charles Boyer was the gaslighter.

According to the website Vox, “You could look up definitions, but the best way to understand gaslighting is to go to the source. George Cukor’s Gaslight— based on a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton — stars Ingrid Bergman as a naive, sweet young woman named Paula who as a young girl witnessed the murder of her beloved aunt (and guardian) at their home. Years later, in Italy, she meets and marries dashing Gregory (Charles Boyer), who returns with her to London to live in the house she inherited from her aunt, which is also the house where the murder occurred.

But slowly, over time, Paula begins to doubt her sanity. Gregory tells her that she’s becoming forgetful and fitful, acting in irregular ways. He confines her to the house, and tells everyone she’s not well. At night she hears knocking in the walls. She sees the gas lighting dim. But he tells her she’s imagining things.”

We now have modern day gaslighting.

At the offset, I guess, there may be a fine line between gaslighting and spinning something. The person will say they want to clear up a misunderstanding. They will indicate that you were the party who misunderstood, although you know you didn’t. They will say you misinterpreted their remarks. You will be certain there was no misunderstanding or misinterpretation because, if there had been, they could have cleared it up when it occurred. They will not realize you are wise enough to know what they are saying now is not what happened then. Always the spin. Always you misunderstanding. Always because they want the upper hand.

But, alas, the thing with gaslighting is that the person doing it (the gaslighter) thinks the recipient (the gaslightee) is dumb enough or gullible enough to doubt what they actually know to be a fact. I am continually baffled as to why someone would spend time engaged in such manipulative activity. Why not just end a liaison? Why make the other person doubt themselves or their sanity? Is it really that important, in the mind of the gaslighter, to gain the upper hand? And to what end?

5 thoughts on “Musing on Gaslighting”

  1. I have a friend who is involved with an extremely manipulative person, who I strongly suspect has narcissistic personality disorder. From observing their “relationship” and being her shoulder to cry on/voice if reason for the past TWO YEARS (ugh), I think its about power. He wants to control everything. He gets a rush from being sweet and loving, then pulling the rug out from under her and leaving her an emotional wreck. Then he claims she took the things he said wrong, she’s just over dramatic, she should *know* that he loves her, etc. She’s terrified that when he’s being “naughty” (what he calls his atrocious, abusive behavior), that he’s going to leave her but I don’t think he ever will. The mind games are too much fun and he’s groomed her to be the perfect victim. I imagine other people who are gaslighters are similar…they love the control, the power, and playing the game. :/

    1. Wow, yes, I do think so. Hope she sees the light and runs. The fact that you know she’s not crazy is a big help!

    2. Being alone, at first, can be difficult and frightening. But I’d rather be alone and empowered than with someone who gaslights.

    1. Thanks, I have never seen the whole thing. I will try to find it and let you know!

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