It was late on a Saturday afternoon and I was on the Parkway headed to the store. Beyonce came on the radio singing, “If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it,” and it got me to thinking about commitment. When I was 21, I got engaged. Two years later, I got married and was married for 30+ years. At the offset, the commitment was blind love. We were young and in love, so we got married. Perhaps commitment at that age is more pure. I know adults sometimes think young people do not always know their own minds so they shouldn’t make a life-long commitment at an early age. But, sometimes, I think our ability to be idealistic is more prevalent then and it makes us more able to commit to “forever.” The commitment then was to build a life together – to marry, buy a house, get a dog, raise children. When that lifelong commitment unravels, it is not an easy thing to conjure up the altruism needed to go out in the dating world. Dusting off those rose colored glasses is difficult, maybe even impossible.
I have had relationships since the demise of my marriage and I ran headlong and headstrong into the first. We were in love, I was getting divorced and he was going to do the same. Only he didn’t. We were older adults and it should not have been such a big deal to me, but it was. My mom was alive then and she would ask me about it. I was committed in my heart and wanted us to build our own happily ever after. I understood that he had not lived with his wife for years and years and it was a formality in his mind, but he had a wife and it was not me. It was a hard pill for me to swallow and, ultimately, it was part of the deal breaker.
I know that everyone does not need a legal bond to stay together. Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn were together for years and he was married to his wife. By some accounts, Tracy and Hepburn kept up their affair for 25 years and it is said they lived together but kept separate addresses to keep up appearances. They seemed committed to one another and, since he was a staunch Catholic who would not divorce his wife, I guess they found something that worked for them. I also know some people who don’t get married because it is financially better for them to remain as two single people. They live together and are happy to have a relationship as well as financial gains which they would forfeit through marriage.
It is possible, I see, to be very committed to another person, so committed, in fact, that a legal document is superfluous. People find one another and decide to build a life together. They find somewhere to live, find some furniture, and float along in peace and harmony. At some point, they may decide to make their union legal. It may become financially wise. Maybe they will save money on insurance. Maybe they decide to have children and they want that bond. Sometimes, people remain unmarried for years. I actually thought Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell finally got married, but I Googled it and, by all accounts, they have vowed not to marry although they have been together for 35 years.
Commitment later in life is not always easy, however. It is a bit different, I think, when one person moves into a place already inhabited by his or her partner. The person there first has a distinct advantage. If that person owns the place, it is even more difficult for the person moving in. The first person has a life built already and, for the newcomer, finding a niche may be hard. The place was decorated by the person living there. Colors were chosen, curtains were hung, carpets were laid. There is no excitement of picking out colors, buying furniture, melding tastes. The person moves into an established life and becomes a silent partner of sorts. Commitment, to me at least, is building something together and while it is possible to build a life without building the physical framework, it is not the same. It is not very hard to leave a place that is not really a home to both.
People may have a level of commitment to each other, but not an idealistic one. An older person in a relationship is more jaded and, perhaps, protective of his heart and himself. If you have been hurt in the past, there may be a protective shell built around your heart and, perhaps, some imaginary bubble wrap around your world. This puts your foot on the proverbial threshold, ready to bolt. And, once again, if it is not really a home to both, it is easier to leave. The lack of a legal commitment is a blessing and a curse, then, I guess. I know a legal commitment does not exactly reflect what is in one’s heart, but a person may give pause before making a move if there is legal entanglement to keep them tethered through a storm. Lack of legal commitment makes it easier to dissolve something that is flawed. And this legal commitment does not necessarily mean marriage. People rent apartments, houses, or condos together. They may even purchase a home. Without some type of legal commitment, either party could decide at any time to call it quits. For the partner living in the other’s home, this could be daunting or freeing. In my estimation, however, that freedom comes with a price. The person who has moved in may never get settled because the owner could, at any time, send them on their way or, indeed, they could send themself. Either way, there is an ease to dissolving a relationship. As I said, double-edged.
So, who is right? Beyonce who admonishes or Tracy and Hepburn, Goldie and Kurt, and others who flaunt their ability to commit without legality? I guess the lesson is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, that commitment comes in many forms at many different times of life.